I choose to begin this diatribe on a scatological note. I have always had a weak constitution in regards to bodily substances. I prefer them to remain internal, often to the obvious detriment. If it were biologically possible, I would dispose of all waste & toxins through fucking osmosis. Maybe on, like, a large sheet of litmus paper, or something. Even the very pantomime of regurgitation produces the actual urge to do so. The same with expectoration. As far as I'm concerned, it might as well be vomit. HURP! Excuse me...
Anyway, I recently had the pleasure of having to gather my own [clearing throat] samples, in order to begin a sordid journey to ascertain just what sort of hellish abomination currently resides in my viscera. To say that I'd been procrastinating is an understatement of mammoth proportions. But gather I finally did. In no small effort, and involving a scarf & just this side of nuclear tongs. There quite possibly may be the argument that I should have completed this horrid task at the lab, but I happen to have much difficulty [ahem] performing on demand, so to speak.
At any rate, if the US military is in the market for new torture techniques, then I suggest making it mandatory for their detainees to gather their own stool samples. Daily. In ad nauseum.
I thank them in advance.
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