Friday, June 29, 2012

mr. soporific [2002]


in mere minutes I’ll be bidding goodnight to this bloodshot world of fallacy and human congestion. onward to more desperate climes. I try not to believe in hell. because if I did I’d never get anything done. (I’m behind schedule as it is.)
“it’s not what you know, but what you think you know.”
all the spin doctors in the world take their cues from idiots. the foolish savvy must scratch through the trash to retain their equilibrium, and I’m 3 feet deep in liquor nightmares. yes, I’ve memorized the sound of the other shoe dive-bombing the floor. it sounds suspiciously like a female voice saying, “your name here.”
the television set can only proselytize so much, before you’ve gotta find another false idol to worship. these eyes are mine, no matter how horribly they betray me. I can taste the smoke in the air long before the inferno.

I press lies to my ears, to drown out the noise.
of so many assholes and their useless toys.

I abandoned all of my convictions on some random intersection choked with heavy metal traffic. the ill-yellow streetlights have no use for me of late. …left cold and tired in some asphalt wasteland, buried up to my throat in past-tense’s… I pine for the day when I sleep it off permanently.
it’s piss-mental hours like these when I begin to believe in the myths of anesthetic. the voice of the world becomes all too fucking loud. there’s a moth on my monitor (useless little fucker) and I forget the places my hand has been. if only they could see me sitting here, gripping my ego’s cock like a consolation prize. if only they could smell the foul breath emanating from my philosophy. pluming like a sour cloud of stolid cynicism. all oily and erroneously functional. I’m a machine running on the wrong fuel. pools of vinegar soaking the walls of my skull. acridly accrued in the corners where my youthful convictions cower. 

the army of bitter tongues in my brain 
bawl their rally cry of raw awareness.

nothing but stale dreams and outdated porn. old grand-dad wipes; the slate’s clean. my arsenal of strident fuck-you’s is bloating. threatening to spill over into my calmer minutes. they’ve grown restless from disuse. made obsolete by alcohol abuse. it’s fucking funny from a certain point of view.

of late I’ve learned how to put the reigns on my mood. I’m in an Ice Age; my face offers the world an arctic landscape. and it’ll take more than some fiery damsel in diseased distressed to thaw away this frost from my smirk. leave all that shit to the loud drunken choir shouting out from my CD player. it’s their recipe from which I’m made. 

the lunatics in my skull become more agitated with every passing night. I watch them all scurry to one corner or another, as I sentence myself to my own. the lunatics are mine, and they know what I know. bedtime is a torture wrought upon sightless slaves. 

time to allay what’s been stunting my growth today.

and it’s not God’s doing ‘cause he’s got better things to do. he’s got his own fucking mortgage payments due. all the checks are postdated to December 23rd, 2012.           




nous sommes désespérés [written 4.06.2009]


“…INDIFFERENCE IS THE ENEMY…”
let the record stand that we have failed, and continue to do so. and let the record show, that our failures (current and ongoing) have cost our children their future. 
I beg your meager pardon if you’ve heard this invective before. however, the most important lessons must be repeated until they are assimilated. and, thus far, America has only assimilated the worst traits possible. we are, the majority of us, indolent, selfish, ignoble and feckless. as well as a veritable profusion of other equally appalling adjectives. however, the worst adjective to describe us is that we are irredeemable. 
so, while we are all baring our teeth, like the hyenas we are, we might as well smile and welcome our ensuing ruin. because, make no mistake you absolute fuckers, it is coming. and that quicker than we think.
“…DOWN THROUGH THE WRECKAGE AND THE RUINS…”
the change that so many of us seem to be awaiting, while we twirl upon our collective thumbs, comes with a very corpulent price. (those with $ signs in their eyes, please read no further.) that price is no less than our diligence. no less than our ability to provide for ourselves. no less than our freedom to enhance our lives, on our own terms. we are dumb-wittingly mortgaging our independence for convenience. 
I ask you: what is the point of freedom, if you are so fucking feckless to utilize it?   
            














  
        

    
 



dystopian garage trilogy [written 2003-04?]

1.
“bend,” says the wind, “or I will break you.” and no longer can we play games with its tone. the seasons change without consultation and the forecast is a dirge. a swansong being played every half hour on every frequency. the world is alive with its ruin. 
2.
the rain falls like a thousand ice-tipped arrows; falling from a masochistic heaven. my grin tastes the torrent with hungry teeth. “hungry teeth for a hungry world.” says the distorted prophet drowning in the gutter. and now, the wind is newly armed. “bend.” it says, but this time we are immune to its threats. this time, we have our own new armament. or so we may dream. and maybe, this time, the dream is enough?
3.
“oblivion is mythical.” says the gutter-prophet shifting the timber of his voice upward into some sort of prayer. (the tundra, you know, can be so eloquent.) yet, I’m growing weary of quotes from the cold. warmer wisdom could I glean from the lump of rusted chain on the stained concrete floor. oh, but what of the footsteps in the flange? rendered reprehensible by mixing boards of ill-repute. “hardy-fuckin-har.” says the insect voice from the scofflaw intercom speaker. “just read your lines the way they were laser-scalpeled.” it is our duty, after all, to report the truth as it was beaten out of us.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

the complete idiot’s guide to heart surgery [written 2005]


mainlining disappointment. maybe if I open a vein the blood will form the words for me? like some macabre divination? I’ve developed an acute repugnance for sobriety, so the blood will be good and thin.
I fucking died this week. yet my legs still carry me to work. you killed me, yet you’re still free to dance about my ruins. you, my mute murderer. the toll of blood has still to be taken, but it feels like a fucking massacre inside. and, reason is the worst casualty by far. 
this wasteland is not mine to get lost in, yet it claims me just the same. I am its phantom limb. I am its articulate slave. perhaps I was one child too many for you? well, only the pain can tell. and it tells me nothing but the announcement of itself.
I see my future and it looks like a pool of offal. unclean and a complete fucking waste. I see my future, and it’s a cracked mirror.
cinders make up my synapses, when my thoughts belong to proverbial HER.

KYPHOSIS [written 2008]


do not condemn the fallen. 
we find one another through barbed digital channels, our forelocks jutting chaotic towards the nearest oasis. blame falls with grift upon its details. spattered across the map of angel feathers and blood. silver dust, coruscating into the sinuses of the presumed holy, might as well be depleted uranium. realign yourself as a revivalist, ‘cause the pit calls for forward philosophy. in the almanacs it’s named <RISK>

ipecac eyes [written 2004]


conversation is a shade that spooks your understanding. you could be stoic in an autumn paradise of fire, but subtext will make pretty ruins of it. something for your memories to peruse, while you avoid the jagged bits. but they’re still there, and they’ll always want attention.
“yea, tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of HER…” [pause] “what was it that I’m not supposed to fear?”
some glimmering nightmare in black & purple. some lovely spasm in viscera drenched with amber undoing and lack of sleep. or, was it lack of purpose? headlights turn my eyes into stained glass, and the world blurs on by. normally there is music, but tonight the music is this frenetic thoroughfare. with its exhaust and its distant screams and its unholy quiet.
“where would you rather be? what sights would you rather see?”  says Ol’ Man Gutter, his wisdom coming off like a tyrant without an army.
the night doesn’t need us to survive. it has constant tribulation to stay alive. something for the shadows to scoff. something for the eyes to pierce. and ultimately flee in bewildered glee. glazing over with exquisite anxiety. and, the calendar is the only gospel worth scrutiny.
these plaintive skins are no longer their own. they belong to the mysteries that suck on their pores like angelic leeches. an entirely new form of sustenance, enriched by foreign bleaches and everyday deformity. just remember the mountain doesn’t know that you are climbing it.
“tonight is only what tomorrow is not.” says Ol’ Man Gutter with his ipecac eyes and his breath that smells of dead flowers. “imagine this,” he says, “right now, someone is having the best moment of their life.” the bruised sky cannot help but unhinge before such brutal optimism.


broken burlesque [written 2002-2003?]


ask the mantis
NO BROCHURE FOR A BROKEN AMERICA.

beaten burlesque of a life I still don’t know how to live. bruised breath for my greatest excuses. hung on the line, such a familiar cue. culled in the clinch, such a derivative queue.
nameless endgames look on toothy. the altar grows choked with unalloyed offerings of exit strategies.
but, I prefer my ruin on the rocks…just ask the mantis standing watch outside my door. I name him Tecate, and collapse upon the pavement. nesting like a stupefied libertine among the detritus.
“oh god, is this the rapture? or am I simply that submissive?”
salvation is a chameleon. a demon with a face of unimaginable elasticity. it is privy to your secrets, like the walls of a glass house awaiting the wrecking ball.


favored culdesacs
if I’m trying to convince anyone of my brilliance,
then maybe the cramps in my style will do the talking?
for me, it has become a question of endurance.
“I’ll drink to that!”
but don’t get too excited,
‘cause I’ll drink to just about anything.
encyclopedic knowledge
of torrid endeavor notwithstanding.
I know the name of static now. 
(the finest philosophers suffered the most.)
hardy-fucking-har.
sexual détente
I’d like to think of myself as a brown recluse of the intellect. I’d like to, but the truth is no less toxic. it shrivels me up into a boozy ball of tangled fantasies and I’m given over to an ostentatious, arm’s-length sort of social poise. a shit-sunny rubber mask of platitudes. everything is wide-eyed smiles, when all I really want to do is scream mindless obscenities and kick people to death. especially when I’m flashed special smiles from proverbial GIRL. a vision that I could whittle a quaint little life out of, but then her idiot reason for my romantic vacillation ambles up and jaws something inane, worthy of a pistol-whipping. so, I hump on in my state of sexual détente. 
born bibulous  
my inebriated preoccupation will surely become the compost of legend when I finally fuck-off this mortal coil. surely, some poor hateful soul out there will read me like gleaming graffiti.
Dylan Thomas, I got your fuckin’ number homey.
I could allow these words of mine to fade away into intellectual rubbish, like prehistoric fecal matter. knowing that some bottomline asshole will mine it like gold. but, what does it fucking matter, when the one thing equals the other, and the other equals the next cigarette?
the supplicant, all specious
…like whalesong on a cheap flange, I’m throttled astir by the discordant prose of the lowest common denominator. amidst this peculiar autumn apocalypse of the current calendar, all mangy with decrepit contrition. emotionally psoriatic and given over to a mute asphalt grey juggernaut of lethargy…
deep tissue disenchantment
I woke up with a crooked neck and a doubt the size of God. unsightly build-up of years&years looking over my shoulder. I went to the kitchen to scratch up a morsel or two; something to palliate this hollowed-outness. all I could find was the mockery of mouse poison, and a package of hot sauce.
so I took it all in stride, and washed it down with warm shower water, then pulling on my clothes like they were pathological rags. I listened to music that reminded me of dusty-bright asylum corridors. a fucking fitting soundtrack to the bone-white day, stretched out ahead of me like a desert artery. the promise of sugared poison to be my only companion.
sometimes it’s difficult to know whether to laugh or to cry, in response to this human burlesque daily scraping. just don’t ask me the answer now. I’m much too busy daring the clock to stop, so I can keep on punishing myself with liquor-slicked words of miasmatic mental rape. 
and by the way, where are my cigarettes?
id est…
still no further toward renascence.
some sandbag form of acquiescence.
conclusions drawn and quartered. 
an itch; refused to be squandered.
       


Aeva's Song [written just after she was born in 2007]


her name floated through the ether like the embers of some holy blaze. 
her face was like a work of art sculpted gratis by heaven itself. 
every greatness I could hope to ever achieve waiting in every line, every fold, every exquisite blemish on her fragile cherubic visage. 
she is now my greatest aspiration. 
apropos, my transgression most vile is now mediocrity. 

frail in the fragment game [written 2002]


the mirror swallows me.
caverns where my eyes should be.
frigid water, smelling of sulfur.
only vexatious hunger
could be more pungent.
the demon says,
“I’ve seen tombs more effulgent.”
weak hands find my face in reply,
thus obscuring it from the spy.
I’m contorted like an ill-promise,
all specious with verbal jaundice.

like a beast in a hell of headlights, locked in dumbstruck torpor.
held prisoner by a life still proving that it’s worth clawing for.
and it seems that this tawdry beast has the best of me.
what’s the use of grappling with such sharp entropy?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

chasmcalling #6


let the day begin without me again. I’ve lost my way along this sullied topographic nightmare - this road - I’ve begged at its gutter too long. so long, I’ve forgotten for what I beg. let this sun climb without me again. a searing, cutting path over a world that has become strange to me in the worst way.
before, it was just simple perversion. the sort that’s borne from the popular…the sickness of nescience. I forget so easily what it took for me to get here. this blind disfigured consensus of my head. my city. my species. 
my sense of balance is absorbed by my anger. and, in turn, all the anger in my bones is consumed by cobwebs. clothed in dust and used nicotine.
yet, the corpses still celebrate their philosophies of waste that spawn & mutate all about this imbalanced, problematic consortium of life. this America; lost to its toothy anachronisms. and I can’t help but feel like I’m skulking my way to the top of the pile. the grand pyre-in-waiting. so, everyday’s a gem until the wells finally fucking dry up forever?
the napalm Colorado sunset reclaims me. so much later in the salty-wet throes of summer. unlock me with your liquid key, I’m in the market for renascence. I’ll claw my way through a thousand dead moths to intercept it. the sway of slow-slide on steel strings guides me. down the new bridge to the old road. my words flutter, like the moths, around the streetlamp citrus glow. stinging throat smoke call. swill & fill, the flush hours small. 
snap. twist. glide.
I lead the chase with cheap cola and heartburn. Evan Williams will always find sanctuary in the rotting hostel of my gut, but he’ll leave no room for the rational…my logical intruders. the minimum wage fake savior sycophants. they’ll only get my burning cigarette eye fuck you. my sour-mash swallowed so what’s.
let this night keep me in its clutches, as I pass the bottle to nobody. let this liquor-fire in my cheated chest answer all of these ghosts that call to me in their silty voices. hoarse. grey. resigned. voices that scurry from the throats of the most horrible surrender. 
my world is a princess in a shredded burgundy dress. a rose left bereft under a sun that only desires the gift of warm rot. my world is that of balancing a ruby upon a steaming mound of shit.

oubliette blues [1/19/2008]


some forget how to pray to God & some mistake war for necessity. some pray and forget everything else. and some forget the feeling of their knuckles scraping along the concrete. they forget the sound of their children screaming the language of hunger into an empty fridge. business as usual, as long as it controls every aspect of human existence.
peeling flesh testifies like purple mountain’s crumbling majesty. “what do you think is going to happen?” comes the chorus when the crutches collapse. bandages of broken glass. miles and miles of linoleum before we plant a fucking flag. we’re hardwired to gag over a little dirt on the carpet. 
“the seasons have made me whole.”
by now, we should all be aware of what lies behind the stitches. by now, psychosis is a stitch best left for the factory.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Confab with the Universe [12/8/2010]


status:    have found no useful shortcuts yet…

inquiry:    WHY THE FUCK NOT?

answer:    no time. just bleeding knuckles, diarrhea and walking-

interjection:    BULLSHIT. SHOULD ALWAYS BE TIME TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MAKE SENSE.

rebuttal:    try telling that to my ex-wife, har har.

reprisal:     TRY SHITTING IN ONE HAND AND…

interruption:    all due respects, but it isn’t quite that simple…

evaluation:    …YES?

elaboration:    It’s always something.

ascertainment:    YOU’RE A PUSSY.

retraction:    perhaps you misunderstood, I…

2nd interjection:    WE MISUNDERSTAND NOTHING, SAVE YOUR INABILITY TO PUT YOUR BALLS WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS.



Thursday, June 21, 2012

chasmcalling #56


“FILE NOT FOUND.” light a cigarette and breathe, “INVALID VALUE ENTERED.” this demon is in control. looks like it’s terror again. polarized in pending transactions. “remain unnamed with your ass in the flames.” says the fascist fairy in the loudspeaker. might as well be crooning ‘ARBEIT MACH FREI’ over an accompaniment of soulless dancey trancey. fuck-all, because ‘TEENAGE WASTELAND’ keeps playing over & over in the crowded coliseum of my skull. I’ll destroy what I complete and wrap in black tape what I try so fucking hard to ignore.silly little scratch. written up my arm like a trash pamphlet. silly little flesh question. now I know what ‘KILLING ME SOFTLY’ means. in vivid detail issuing from small perfect mouth with small perfect lips. downtown was a slippery rug tonight. (my wit called in sick & being aloof is like asking for a stay of execution.) standing oblivion in the Flea Market of lost souls. outstanding oblivion, as it were. these Formica microcosms playing like psychological rummage sales. “my neurosis is worth 4 turns in the maelstrom.” so begins the barter, “e-mail me your stats.” I like to keep Vincent Price in my sample library for just such an occasion. fuck all original pathos. we always reach the same conclusion as a 5 pound wrench. yeah, at break-time we light up the old wounds ‘cause the smoke is so sweet. so much for the ghostly peacock with its albino solutions. if only we all had such wings under which to play at nonexistence?

oubliette blues: 1/1/2009


he slipped in while I wasn’t paying much attention, was I? next thing I knew, he was sitting on the couch next to my wife, stroking her thigh. so I took my shots & went out to the car. I tried to sleep in the shotgun, but I could still see his malicious grin like it was backlit by the sun. winking & nudging, as if to say, “you got this stone rolling, man,” <snicker>, “go collect some moss.”  <snicker>
and when they're right, they're really fucking right.
 there were no songs because the words just don’t exist yet. making due with grunts and sobs just doesn’t cut it anymore. we’ve got 3 years to make the deadline, pardon the pun, and the outlook is less than sunny at this juncture. (a word beginning with ‘b’ springs to mind, but that would just be depressing.) we could put up new wallpaper in our whitest of houses but the change is so very far from where we are. our only hope is that trickle becomes rinse, and that in a hurry. but what do we know? other than ragged-nail struggle and barren coffers? what do we know, other than sodium placation at cents on the dollar, and faraway dreams of anger-management? silly trifles like feeding our children, and retaining some semblance of sanity in the interim. indeed, what do we know?
but I digress, since digressing is what I do best when the younger brother of the Apocalypse is groping my wife, and all I can manage to say is, “Happy New Year!”
well, it’s notes from the underground, or something equally as clichéd. turgid as such, but aromatically reminiscent of fried hair and sulfur. out on the street, every street, like a god’s fingernails across some incalculable chalkboard. reverberating in HD through the living rooms and souls of every American family. we are, all of us, the best sitcom ever made. we require no laugh track, because our tragedy is the purest, most genuine comedy of evolutionary proportions. “Sorry folks, but our scheduled trip across the Rubicon has been postponed indefinitely.” so, is there nothing left but wet confetti and resolutory shards? spent ammunition and blood-muddy dust and shredded uniforms? I mean, what if we all threw our shoes? would that end the regime sooner, or would we all merely be nursing injured feet?


IMPULSE BUYS (a short story written in October of 2009)


The sirens barely registered beyond his headphones, thus merely adding to the general mood of the MOEV song he was listening to on his Shuffle. He’d heard the song a million times before, so it was not a factor in his choice to ignore such an addition; he simply chose to incorporate all the added noise of the world falling apart around him into the well-known music. The ambient noise of the drawn-out apocalypse he’d grown so used to. In fact, even though there was a curfew in effect, he could give a rusty fuck about the “horrible consequences” he’d heard about for months, on the surviving radio frequencies, regarding the “risks” of wandering from one’s home after dark.
    Instead, he chose to journey beyond his domicile which, according to the authorities was a miracle in and of itself, to find some toilet paper and a lighter. Such things were doled out by the state only on certain days, under the caution that seeking them out otherwise would result in the aforementioned “horrible consequences”.
    Of course, he’d heard the same ominous sounds at night that his neighbors had; screams and shouts and night-splitting cracks. Of course, he’d seen the same eerie lights and flashes in the night sky that his neighbors had seen. They simply did not concern him anymore. Sitting in the same shitty 1 bedroom apartment, looking at the same walls and the same empty bed. The same empty reasons for cowering in the corner. He was alone. Nobody to share in his terror and paranoia. Nobody to ask, “Why?”
    So, it no longer mattered. He had to find a way to cook his meals, and he needed the amenity that accompanies defecation. He had been cowering long enough, waiting for such appurtenances. Why wait any longer, considering this dismal situation?
    “What’s the fucking difference?” he asks himself, at 11:00 PM on the night of October the 15th, 2014.

    His name is Charles, and he is walking toward something he has been told not to walk toward, especially at this time of night. As he is walking, he sees many things. These things include yellow & black tape strung across the doorways of homes, which seem to him, to be nothing other than vacant. He sees things hanging from the trees, which appear to him as the bodies of people.
    Charles is not an idiot. He knows that what he is seeing, in the shadows that were so recently forbidden to him, should stink really bad. He has smelled death before, and this is not it. To him, it smells like horseshit.
    However, Charles is merely breaking curfew in order to attain a few necessities. He does not care about the things he sees or smells. In fact, he does not care about anything, which is why he was able to make the trip in the first fucking place.
    In fact, he was just listening to his I-POD Shuffle, with whatever power was left and whatever songs he left on it, and wandering out into whatever horrors he was supposed to believe awaited him. In the end, he did not believe in these horrors. The sounds he had heard at night, eventually, seemed like nothing more than what he was used to just watching the fucking news. The lights? Well, they might as well be fireworks.
    After walking for about an hour, Charles came to a Walgreen’s that was trying very hard to appear abandoned. It did not fool Charles, for he was beyond caring if knocking upon the sliding glass doors and making any noise that would alert…whatever, would do him any harm at all.
    Charles waited awhile, then he picked up the large trashcan beside the doors, took a couple steps back and threw the fucker as hard as he possibly could through the glass. It shattered loudly and without disappointment. Shards of potential pain littered the floor of the entrance near the defunct ATM as Charles ducked into the building. All was dark, as he had no flashlight. He knew, however, that there were such things immediately available to him at the registers directly to his left. At one point they were known as “impulse buys”.
    It was easy enough for Charlie to find what he needed, so in short time, he had a working flashlight. Toilet paper was the treasure he was in search of, yet he decided, while he was at it, to procure some food and some beer as well. He had made it this far without any repercussions from whatever it was that he was supposed to be afraid of. As long as he kept his shopping spree short enough, and remembered the route he’d used to get where he was, he should be fine. After all, nothing has stood in his way thus far. Not that it mattered anyway. In the end Charles could give a rat’s ass less what happened to him at this point. However, his neighbors did give a rat’s ass.
    It had been a few weeks since anyone had even dared to venture as far as their front porch, even in daylight. Charles and his neighbors would at least stand outside, shouting pleasantries from across the street, in order to glean some sort of human connection to keep them all sane. He lived in a predominantly college-type area, so there were no children. Just people roughly his own age, if not several years younger. However, it had been many days since he had seen or heard from anyone. Maybe they’d succumbed to the paranoia? Maybe they offed themselves? He would probably smell it by now if they had. As far as the aforementioned offing, he was not there yet himself. Maybe he was too cowardly to see it through? Charles didn’t know.
    Then again, maybe that was why he finally decided to go out into the dark, in order to find supplies? Maybe he just wanted someone, or something to do his dirty work for him? It would certainly answer some fucking questions, he told himself.
    At any rate, here Charles was, pushing a cart around an abandoned Walgreen’s, shopping by the light of a small stolen flashlight. Down the isle of toilet paper. Down the isle of snacks and such. To the cooler, which hasn’t worked for months, but whatever, there was still beer inside. Load it all into the cart, now, how do I get it home?
    Well, Charles says to himself, we get it home in this fucking cart, I guess.
    So, after shuffling around behind a small pinpoint of light within the Walgreen’s for about an hour, Charles decides to simply push his cart out the shattered door, and onward toward his apartment. Well…what else is there?
    The dark dark night appeared no darker than when Charles began his improvisational hopeless quest. In fact, nothing at all seemed different. Charles simply pushed the cold shopping cart under his quivering fists up the street in the direction of his apartment. The shopping cart filled with bags of chips and six-packs of beer and flashlights and batteries. He wasn’t even going in the same direction from whence he came; he was simply too excited about his bounty to be concerned about retracing his steps. Some mysterious instinct led him to a major avenue which, eventually, led to the street where he lived. However, Charles had many blocks to go, before he reached his meager apartment.

    Charles pushed his cart a few blocks, in the dark, before the left wheel hit something in its path. The unexpected impact sent the handle of the shopping cart into his stomach, shocking him out of his headphone reverie. NOMEANSNO would have to wait.
    He coughed a few times and then made his way around to the front of the shopping cart. The wind was blowing again, and he could hear more sirens off in the distance. Southeast; nowhere near his apartment. He looked down. Next to the left wheel was a handgun. Charles recognized it, from his days watching too many episodes of CSI, as a 9 millimeter Beretta. He picked it up. Other than feeling slightly greasy, there was nothing untoward about the pistol. So Charles jammed it into one of the six-packs of beer he had pilfered.
    Charles then took his previous position behind the shopping cart, replaced the headphone buds back into his ears and continued on home. “Small Parts Isolated and Destroyed” was just ending. The next song, “Misery Is The River of the World”, was just beginning.
    The walk back to his apartment went uninhibited, which was amazing in and of itself, considering the fact that he was pushing a shopping cart containing three six-packs of beer, five bags of chips, three four-roll packages of toilet paper and several boxes of 500 milligram Ibuprophen pills.
    His amazement continued until the last hundred or so paces before he and his rickety metal bounty reached the steps of his derisory domicile. Of course, it was then that the homes straddling his derisory domicile began to show signs of life. Like a raft of ducks swarming to a cluster of soggy stale bread, which someone has thrown from the shore of a scummy late summer pond, several dark figures poured out from the shadows toward Charles’ shopping cart bounty.
    These figures, whom he did not recognize due to the meager light, tore him away from his cart in a way that he was viciously thrown to the cold pavement, cracking his skull volubly against the bottom step of his apartment. And, if the din from the assailants raiding his cache weren’t quite so suddenly and shockingly loud in the dead of this terrified night, one would have heard the sickening sound of Charles’ skull impacting upon said step. Making a sound that any foley artist worth his salt would give up his trade secrets to perfect.
    Charles could feel rivulets of hot liquid, which could only be his own blood and spinal fluid, running down the back of his neck. He could not, of course, move at all then. And so the only vision available was directly above him, which consisted of the stars and a few quickly moving human forms swarming about him.
    The “raid” took only a few moments, and then he was left bleeding and immobile upon the uncaring ground, staring at the aforementioned stars. For whatever reason, he found himself thinking:
    I hope they share what they got. Not as if it matters to me now…
    …which, he guessed, was the point of him going out in the first fucking place. 


acid test and forfeiture [2005]


before the blessed become locked inside their questionable corners, the excess pressure must be excised. a nuclear porno barely escaping the gates of the ‘Gated Community’. the American diffusement of wretched nature, and the perpetual national night. every head is either bobbing or tilting. confusion or incomprehension. and, the difference is more than Tuesday’s retribution. skeleton still plagued by skin. tripping through the immediate three-shudder window.
1: sip,
2: taste,
3: swallow.
summer is on the make, and the air is made of tiny insects with dirty wings. they want to live in our lungs like ashen memories. every breath is made opaque by a million ill-afforded chest X-rays. every breath, another brick in this city built of haze and resignation. “shall we coalesce, or shall we convalesce?” but, no more questions, for we’ve reached the end of this taxing season.
scryed in the air is a holy, and wholly new animal of uncertainty. etched into the shit-gossamer wings of the insects. a new language of horror spoken by the hot wind. employing the bony trees for its soliloquies. relying on blindness & brittle boughs for its vocabulary. dependent upon sanguine indifference for its eloquence.
“and what of the blessed, when THE MAN INSIDE THE PLANET becomes reticent?”questions are like cockroaches, as the new season thrashes giddily in the afterbirth. clawing from the offal. dislodged and feeble.
all hail the new grey heart!
welcome to the times of threat and wire. follow the chosen path, it flows like leprosy. hostage of science, this neck won’t submit. bruise, crack and creak. this neck won’t bend to such edicts. it’s a compromised world wearing the cloak of ALL-OR-NOTHING. irony would be sweet if only the consensus would comprehend its definition. the lowest common denominator enshrined and paying its lease 7 years in advance. nevermind the blessed, the damned exchange their currency in reality. all smiles and knit brows like an ass-raped clown. sorry for the lack of humor, it’s PH balance is the wrong fucking color.

now is the time for a change of venue, as the shakes and the gagging and the enigmatic chill take up their residence in the bones. throw a stone from your doorstep and you’ll find more than just an open flame to quell the asthmatic convulsions of this titanic winter. cuticles remain over-rated in the quest for warmth. irrelevant in the yard of scrap, so rend the flesh and bathe - just 90 cents a pound, prices are subject to change. the ash was an inch, if not a fucking city block. avoid the intersections where the cameras crouch like birds of carrion, because the comedy of it all is still scientifically regarded as carcinogenic.

Mr. Alabaster, Mr. Fucking Saint, just admit that another coat of crimson is all we need for a slurry of answers to sluice its way down this gully and coagulate into at least one spring entirely autonomous from complete oblivion.

blank forfeit, blank fucking dry veins. new banker of crusty scars. two hours of death from soaked antenna - “TURN IT OFF!” let silences mediate for once. let the collective shudders be the narration. the cuts through the fog. maybe mist is our gauntlet? our hazy trial? who can tell, this far from the precipice? o holy deadlines, what is the favored response? o flashing yellow teeth, the DJ hides your tumors’ shameful meat. a café of meat with a soundtrack to preen for. a philosophy to waste away for. sweep up the eyeliner shavings, and we’ll pencil in a grand phallacy, won’t we?just believe that the only thing separating you from the future is a bright flash of light. a thin commercial film over the mirror.

late spring void, avoiding cracked raconteurs testing the daylight for structural weaknesses. no twitches, just cash; sorry for the inconvenience. the whole world is yours, so please be somewhere else immediately.

like some indifferent honoree, the green comes back into the world. the crowd is shouting obscenities in some language that only social workers understand. some rabble code only certain pamphlets can decipher. the press cameras tilt like confused canines. and, at the end of the broadcast, can this throng still be defined as humanity?
turn us over
the terror is unanimous fashion, like an auburn catastrophe sky. the faces in this crowd have misplaced their masks. only the gutters remain greedy with job security. and, at the end of the broadcast day, can the throng still broker a peace with their souls? or, will détente remain the esprit de corps?

it’s all either a joke or an ordeal. and well, we are sick of ordeals and don’t know any fucking jokes. (save the ones we play on ourselves.)

so the eyes glint welcome across the Formica chasm, but the warmth is a disposable creed. promises under duress. social attenuation and miles & miles of fuzzy pink chain-link. stretching all the way back to sweet sweet then. remaking desire as a third-person smokescreen. contracting the kiss of listlessness. errant from the word PROLIFERATE. so the eyes glint safety across the minefield, over the river and into the pink mist.

biological imperative blinding, like the sun reflected on the scales of a serpent. it’s too late in the day to tell how close the threat is, yet too bright for lurking. a predator adept in conspicuous menace? the findings have been misfiled for at least a million years. sentenced to some dusty passage of apocalyptic architecture.
“so I called John the Revelator, but all I got was his voicemail…” and thus until the end of time, which should be arriving shortly. (escorted by a certain dodgy quartet on horseback.)
on who’s shoulders falls the hilariously futile task of getting humanity to synchronize their watches? stop dancing on the graves long enough for the wallflower Armageddon to be noticed? the poor fucking bastard’s been shuffling in the corner long enough.

angry one-eyed invisible cat [12/27/2010]


so i push my luck with every drink. and every time i move, it feels like i'm spending something which can't be spent. pushing and pushing. who do i have to thank for thinking ill about feeling good? who holds the grenade from which i've pulled the fucking pin?
loss-less luster, or lusterless loss?
let's play scrabble to uncover such frivolous discards. let's allow the alloy of scambio to dictate the outcome of the day.

sore scrabble loser [1/4/2011]


fill out your grievances in triplicate & file them in the bin marked ‘fuck-all’. yes, I’m trudging down this marrow-cold street for my fucking health. the police may not be diligent, but they are 5 feet away. it’s difficult to know which is more disturbing; the lack of light on the backstreet, or the abundance of light on the squad-cars.
DARE TO BE INTELLIGENT.
many find the dark all too terrifying, while many find the light a bit more than exposing.  chalk it up to geographical paranoia. as in: “oh Christ, did I just pass Pike’s Peak!?” yes, you did. but, worry not - it is so much worse a quarter of a mile from here.
under certain circumstances, Leonard Cohen could be mistaken for God.
don’t try to bullshit me, I can hear the voices in your hidden track. this is why I own headphones, fucker.
clouds pile up as the temperature cataracts down. my neighborhood seems like the 3rd world, but what happened to the 2nd & 1st ? in this country, the lines are blurred by decimal points and, apparently, stereo speakers. integrity and hard work seems to be the gravest moot point this fucking republic has ever known. open up your cheaply made windows and hear the future of our nation curdle like spent milk. no wonder the average age of the 1st offender is getting lower and darker.
“no wonder your kids are robbing liquor stores before they even know what the fuck puberty is!”
retract before the hounds sniff the viscera. unfortunate that openness would leave so little a space to offer.

       



old angel nowhere [2006]


temporal misfit of finance. existential sucking up circumstance. no-moon bridge afraid to cross, but did anon. because of somnamboholic arsenal slung over shoulder, lining throat, drowned mind.
nothing angel guiding me to neon ovoid nowhere. fast food wasteland of aberrant normalcy in top fashions. like in daylight behind counter of servitude, only thusly clubbed and unbidden. no place for my dis-overeducated slumped-over inksloppy self. staggering return, but not to home only hide-out. hellish paradise - locking the door.
park filth hazing my eyes wash it out with strange water from sad spigot nervous towel becoming shroud. me - and W.S.B. - again, staring back, through, out. only now does it become clear that nothing is clear. at least, not like the crystalline hangover noonish waiting at ass-end of frenzied ashen drunkscape. behind throbbing unsleep, just fucking pretend cadaverish. any movement hither only attracts demons of bibulous regret.
“you had your fun asshole,” voice like mosquito flight “and you paid for it.”
if the Chinese have a Hell of Incessant Gagging, the I must be taking up residency there. lotus like Buddha on a bad throne, wisdom desiccating like forgotten fruit on a tree in Acacia. semantic neglect and constant traffic spasms. (spasms of traffic?) esoteric pavement spatters like Aztec vomit. fucking vomit of current America. “if you’re looking for it,” says the no-face cleanup man in orange jumpsuit, “just look down.”
don’t ask me to define the redglint chronology twitching behind my eyes. the rose-tinted principalities of an intellect out of focus & time. these eyes belong to another decade.
sorry. was that too forward? or was it too backward? I get confused when I get too scary on the inside. skull a lurid b-movie of cholesterol twitches. grey-purple-green-red, and then back to suffocating grey. blue visits on time off.
“my name is Bacchus Jr.,” he says, mechanizing his lines, “my dad’s dead a long time, but his spirit lives on in the gutters of downtown.” (the crackheads raise their arms in jittery hosannas.)

chasmcalling:claustrum #1


like a hydrogen fire in a taciturn vacuum, thus comes the return of this cripple of ransomed splendor. this resplendent and, in fact, imperfect holding pattern melancholic farce. quiet turpentine glances answer turbid advances in serpent time.

“or was it the other way `round?”

 remind me who it was that fell for this again? remind who it was that took issue? I’m lost like a Templar in heathen lands. all holy thumbs, har har. guide me to the gauntlet, you cheeky fuckers. guide me aloft…
…for I languish anon in red-curtained crucibles.

chasmcalling:claustrum #4


the last time I felt this utterly disconnected I was standing in the middle of the Nevada desert pissing in the wind with an oil-soaked rag held up to my nose because it wouldn’t stop bleeding due to the inhuman amounts of Tylenol Cold(TM) I’d been taking in order to stave off one of the absolute worst head-colds in recordable history which just happened to make its presence known the day before I set off on the first road-trip of my young life.
the end.   

constantly under siege



PLEASE TAKE 5 MINUTES TO ANSWER THIS QUICK SURVEY:

have you ever been watching an innocuous hour or two of TV and wondered, am I even close to being a part of the same species as these absolute aberrations erroneously adhering to the moniker of humanity?


has anything you see or hear, 9 times out of 10, come anywhere close to resembling what you emphatically enjoy, or believe?


has anyone said anything on television, or in print, that you 100% agree with?


do you honestly believe that everything in the universe was snapped into existence by some nebulous, omniscient and entirely absent entity?


has anyone you’ve ever talked to, in-person, told you what it means to be a parent, and has actually had the empirical evidence to back-up their claim?


and by that same reasoning, has anyone ever told you, in-person, that they had irrefutable proof that an alleged “God” had created every-single-fucking-thing in the universe? and that same “God” had actually wanted you & everyone you’ve ever known of to do every thing that same deity wanted you to do?  

THE UNSILVERED GLASS [written by Andre Breton, Philippe Soupault & Paul Eluard: circa 1933]


Prisoners of drops of water, we are but everlasting animals. We run about the noiseless towns and the enchanted posters no longer touch us. What’s the good of these great fragile fits of enthusiasm, these jaded jumps of joy? We know nothing any more but the dead stars; we gaze at their faces; and we gasp with pleasure. Our mouths are as dry as the lost beaches, and our eyes turn aimlessly and without hope. Now all that remain are these cafés where we meet to drink these cool drinks, these diluted spirits, and the tables are stickier than the pavements where our shadows of the day before have fallen. 
Sometimes, the wind surrounds us with great cold hands and ties us to the trees denticulated by the sun. All of us laugh, all of us sing, but nobody feels his heart beat any longer. Fever abandons us. 
The marvelous railway stations never afford us shelter anymore: the long passages terrify us. So in order to go living these monotonous minutes must be stifled, these scraps of centuries. Once we loved the year’s last sunny days, the narrow plains where our gaze flowed like those impetuous rivers of our childhood. There remain nothing but reflections now in the woods repopulated with absurd animals, with well-known plants.
The towns we no longer wish to love are dead. Look around you. There’s nothing left now but the sky and these waste plots that we shall soon end up detesting. We touch with our fingers those tender stars which filled our dreams. Yonder, they told us that there were prodigious valleys: horse-rides forever lost in that Far West as boring as a museum.
When the big birds take flight forever, they leave without a cry and the striped sky no longer resounds with their calls. They pass over fertile lakes and marshes; their wings dispel the too languid clouds. We’re no longer allowed even to sit down: immediately, laughs burst out and we’re obliged to shout all our faults out loud. 
One day, of which the colour is no longer known, we came across some quiet walls that were mightier than monuments. There we were and our widely opened eyes let fall a few tears of joy. We said: “The planets and stars of the first magnitude are not comparable with us. So what is this power more terrible than air? Lovely August nights, adorable seaside dusks, we find you laughable! Bleaching-water and the lines on our hands shall direct the world. Mental chemistry of our future plans, you are stronger than these death-cries and than factories’ hoarse voices!” Yes, on that evening finer than any other, we were able to weep. Women were passing by and stretched out their hands to us, offering their smiles to us like a bunch of flowers. The meanness of the preceding days made our hearts sore, and we turned our heads away so as not to see the fountains rejoining the other nights. 
There was no longer anything left to respect us but unprofitable death. 
Each thing is in its proper place, and no one can talk any more: each sense became deadened and there were blind persons worthier of respect than we were.
We were shown around cheap dream manufactories and shops full of obscure dramas. It was a splendid cinema in which the roles were played by our old friends. We lost sight of them and we went to find them again always in the same place. They gave us rotten dainties and we told them about our plans for future happiness. They fixed their eyes on us, they spoke: can one really remember those base words, their sleep-sick lays? 
We gave them our heart which was no more than a pale song.


This evening there are two of us faced with the overflowing river of our despair. We can no longer even think. Words escape from our twisted mouths and, when we laugh, the passers-by look back terrified and hurry off to their homes. 
No one knows how to despise us.
We think of the gleams of bars, the grotesque dance-parties in those houses in ruins wherein we left the day behind. But there is nothing more distressing than the light that flows gently across the roofs at five o’clock in the morning. The streets swerve silently aside and the boulevards show signs of animation: a late stroller smiles as he draws near us. He hasn’t seen our eyes filled with dizziness and he passes quietly by. The sounds of milk-carts is what made our torpor vanish and birds fly up to the sky in search of divine nourishment.
Once more today (whenever will this limited life end?) we shall find the same lot of friends and we shall drink the same varieties of wine. We shall be seen once more on the café terraces.
He who knows how to restore us that bounding gaiety is far away. He lets the dusty days elapse and no longer listens to what we say. “Have you forgotten our voices enwrapped in affection and our marvelous exploits? Do the animals of the free countries and of the abandoned seas no longer torment you? I can still see those struggles and the red outrages that were strangling us. My dear friend, why do you no longer want to talk about your airtight recollections?” The air with which we filled our lungs yesterday is becoming unbreathable. The only thing left to do is to look straight in front of one, or to close one’s eyes: if we were to turn or heads, dizziness would creep straight up on us.  
With our itineraries interrupted and all journeys brought to an end, can we really now admit to them? The abundant landscapes have left us with a bitter taste on our lips. Our prison is built of well-loved books, but we can no longer escape because of all the passionate odours that send us to sleep.
Our habits, frenzied mistresses, are calling to us: they sound like fitful neighings followed by even more ponderous silences. There are those posters that are an insult to us, we used to love them so much. Colour of the days, perpetual nights, are you too about to abandon us?


The immense smile of the whole earth has not sufficed us: we have to have greater deserts, those suburbless cities and dead seas. 


We’re approaching the end of Lent. Our skeletons show like trees through the successive dawns of the flesh in which childish desires are sleeping with clenched fists. Weakness is extreme. Yesterday, we were still slipping on marvelous skins while passing before the haberdasheries. That must now be what is commonly called adulthood: looking to one side, have we not seen a sad square lit up before nightfall? The farewell trysts that take place there track down for the last time the animals whose hearts are pierced by arrows.
Hung up on our mouths, the charming expressions to be found in letters have obviously nothing to fear from the diabolos of our hearts, the thumps of which come back to us from so high up that it is impossible to count them. 
It is by the light of a platinum wire that one crosses this bluish ravine at the bottom of which remain the dead trunks of broken trees and from which rises the smell of creosote that is said to be good for the health.
Those who do not wish even to be adventurers also live in the open air; they do not let themselves be carried away by their feverish imaginations and, at the rate they’re going, quite low: there is nothing to prevent them extracting from slag the glass beads by means of which certain tribes are made tractable. They slowly become more aware of their strength, which consists of knowing how to keep still when surrounded by men taking their hats off and women smiling at you across a moth of the sphinx variety. They wrap their icy utterances in silver-paper, saying: “Let the big birds throw stones at us, they will hatch nothing in our depths” and would not exchange places with fashion-plates. I laugh, you laugh, he laughs, we laugh till we cry while raising the worm the workmen want to kill. Puns are on people’s lips and songs are scarce.


One day, two great wings will be seen to darken the sky, and it will suffice to allow oneself to be choked by the musky perfume pervading everything. How sick we are of the sounds of bells and of frightening ourselves. True stars of our eyes, how long do you take to revolve around our heads? You no longer allow yourselves to slide into circuses, and now look how the sun offends the eternal snows with its disdain! The two or three guests remove their mufflers. When the gold-spangled liqueurs no longer incite a good enough night in their throats, they will light the gas-stove. Don’t talk to us about universal consent: it is no longer the time for Listerine wrangles and we’ve finally concealed our cogged wheel that computed so well. We scarcely regret not being able to be present at the reopening of the heavenly shop whose windows are so soon covered over with whiting. 
What separates us from life is something very different from that little flame running over the asbestos like a sandy plant. Nor do we think about the flown-away song of the gold leaves of an electroscope that one used to find in certain top hats, even though we used to wear one of that kind when in society.
The window carved in our flesh opens on to our heart. There can be seen an enormous lake on which at noon russet dragon-flies as fragrant as peony-finches come to settle. What is that big tree around which the animals go to look at one another? We’ve been pouring out drinking water for it for centuries. Its throat is drier than straw and there are huge deposits of ash in it. This is also considered laughable but one must not look too long without long-sighted lenses. Everyone can pass through this bleeding corridor in which our sins are hung up, delightful pictures in which however grey predominates. 
All we need do now is open our hands and chests and then we’ll be as naked as this sunny day. “You know that this evening there’s a green crime to be committed. How ignorant you are my poor friend. Open wide that door, and tell yourself that now it’s completely dark, that day has died for the last time.”


History goes back into the manual silvered by punctures and the most brilliant actors are preparing their entry. They are plants of the greatest beauty, male rather than female and often both at once. They have a tendency to roll themselves up several times before burning into ferns of ash. The most charming ones take the trouble to calm us with handfuls of sugar and springtime arrives. We are not hoping to remove them from the subterranean strata with the different species of fish. This dish would make an impressive appearance on tables of every description. It’s a pity that we are no longer hungry.