The Chris Martin Guide to Everlasting Love

yeah, I'm a fucking sweetheart. so fucking sweet, in fact, that I've stopped masturbating due to fucking lack of interest. I don't have a love-life, so much as an abstinence-life, briefly interrupted by sex every 5 or 6 years. and now those odds are held firmly in question due to the fact that I'm a tragic combination of the following list of tragic combinations:

1. I'm unemployed.

2. I'm old.

3. I'm fat.

actually, 2 and 3 can be counted together, so we're back to

3. I'm a single father. 

4. (again, connected to the last, but I'll let this one slide)     I will NEVER put anyone before my daughter.           (well,shit, I guess I should've made this #1) 

STARTING OVER:

1. I will NEVER put anyone before my daughter.

2. I'm unemployed.

3. I'm old & fat. 

4. I have a strong dislike for dogs. (my daughter has a dog at her mother's house. where it goddamn belongs.)

5. I tend to not be fond of pets in general, honestly. Unless it's a ball python, they're supercute.

6. and I can't stress this enough: I HATE SPORTS. 

7. unless it's a Rapids game, but everybody hates soccer, so why fucking bother.

8. I am weird.

9. Seriously, I am totally fucking strange.

10. I love ABBA. 

11. I'm 40% gay. which means that I would toss you into a pit full of eels if I was presented with the opportunity to give Stephen Amell a sloppy BJ. 

12. my gag reflex is unparalleled. 

13. I read all the DUNE books...

...you fucking get the point.